As a child

Pictures. I have very few pictures of myself from when I was younger. I always hated having my picture taken.

Sometimes I wonder, if there are no witnesses, if there is no record, how many of the strange and unusual things I experienced are nothing more than my own flights of fancy? Why didn’t I document these things and why do I neglect to do so now? Do I have something deep inside of me that urges me to leave no footprint, to remain someone undocumented? Or is this a sort of hubris instead; expecting to be so memorable that such trifling mementos are worthless and a shadow of my true impact? No, I suspect it’s none of these. It is the result of disliking my own appearance and never living up in the flat image to my mind’s eye of my personality.

When I die, will that mean there will be fewer memories for people to draw from or share? My tensor’s mother sent me some photos from ten years ago. He would have been 15, 16. He was young, obviously; gangling, not yet grown into himself. Not yet quite so self-assured and independent. Happy, though. It was a he I never met, but caught glimpses of in the man he became. I treasure these images shared with me. These memories that are not mine, but that augment mine. I miss him.

If I die, what memories will there be left to share?


One thought on “As a child

  1. Are memories stored in the heart, or in the mind’s eye?
    When I was young i had nothing much invested in my looks, little vanity, and blithely disregarded cameras…sure, I might destroy photo’s that were REALLY bad or silly, the rest got stashed into boxes ……now i look back at them, i realise that, contrary to my lack of self confidence, I actually looked quite good….I wish I’d had confidence in that then! And the photo’s carry strong reminders of the times they were taken…… bringing them into sharper relief.
    Now that I’m getting on in years, wrinkles and jowls, I get far MORE concerned by cameras….vanity? or society’s lack of respect for Elders? Cameras seem to have developed extra-sensory capabilities to ferret out every flaw and blemish since I was young!
    Long after one can clearly remember the face of a departed one, one remembers the kindnesses and fun… the memories in the heart are the strongest! x


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